All that is Love

On this beautiful fall day here in Utah, as the sun shines through the window and the earth is covered in a thin white veil of sparkle, I find myself pondering this crazy little thing called love...

Love, a single word that can be expressed, and translated for that matter, in so many different ways and at its core means something completely different to every single human being based on their own personal experience of it.

Oddly enough, pondering on the matter of love has taken be back to my roots, back to when love was defined for me in the biblical terms...

Phileo being the love that is shared among family members and close friends; Eros being the love between lovers and the greatest of all loves, Agape... the "Christ Like" love that is unconditional and rises above all others.

As I look at it now from a more objective (or as objective as I can get being in a very subjective state ;D) viewpoint it seems somewhat silly to generalize such a big thing as love into only three categories. Especially because each one of those categories encompasses so much in terms of the human experiences associated with these types of love.

As I look at these depictions of love, I have begun to think of a couple of things that I believe to be missing from this biblical concept of love, and is something that took a number of very difficult years for me to figure out on my own.

1. The loving of one's self
2. The acceptance of love into one's life

As a child the value was placed on a level of selflessness in a love for the people around me. Putting their needs above my own always. In fact, the concept of putting any type of important on loving yourself was looked upon as selfishness... the exact opposite of the godly way that we were striving for.

Although I see why this is a trait that is so widely preached and why it was considered to be an important value to instill (especially when you look at the level of selfishness that is so prevalent around the world today), I also feel that in many cases it can be mis-interpreted in a way that can lead to an unhealthy viewpoint on what true love is... and more importantly, what true love isn't.

Never was this proven more to me than in my early twenties as I went from being just "Gwen" to being a young mother and wife. The meaning of selflessness took on an entirely different meaning to me during that time, and as I struggled to identify with what it meant to be a good wife... and more importantly what it meant to be a good mother, I found myself lost... confused... and most unhappy.

The thing that I could not understand was how I could have such a feeling of love inside of me for these amazing people in my life and yet I felt so empty... so detached... so helpless in regards to expressing the feelings in a way that truly reflected what I felt inside.

What's worse is that during that time, I became so unaware that I went into an auto-pilot state where it became about fulfilling the needs of everyone else, whether it be making sure that there was a warm meal on the table, or the bathroom was cleaned. I was so lost that those activities became my only display of love and in the end I could not help but feel a certain level of failure in my abilities as mother, as lover, as friend.

If there is one thing that my experiences have taught me is that you cannot give which you do not have. During those years when I was lost to myself, there was a moment at which I woke up and realized that unless I was willing to give myself and accept into my life the same love that I was attempting to bestow upon others around me, that I could never be successful in being the person of love that I wanted to be.

It stands out as one of the more remarkable and life changing moments to date. I'm not quite sure what the exact event was that served to be the splash of cold water that I needed to wake up, but what I do know is that my entire outlook changed on how I viewed myself and the roles in which I play and in reality, I cannot even begin to explain in words the impact that this has had in my life.

Although every day is a chance to learn more about love and the world around me I feel blessed in my life to be able to know this one truth... that Love is something that cannot be experienced in its entirety until one is willing to give this love fully to the world around them, and in turn love one's self enough to allow those around them to give love fully in return. Perhaps... that in and of itself is the true meaning of "Agape" that is spoken of in the bible.

Regardless though of its application, it's this one truth that has been so incredibly powerful at this point in my life and I only hope that my life can be a reflection of this as I move forward through life.

Today I treasure each and every one of the little moments where this expression of true love is present... whether it be a bear hug from my little Joshie... or Abby snuggling up next to me as she slowly twirls little bits of my hair around her tiny fingertips (a gesture that she has shown since the day she was born) or even catching eyes with Brian and feeling that overwhelming sense of knowing him... and knowing that his heart and mine are entirely in tune with one another.

As we move into this holiday season... My one wish is for everyone to share these moments fully with the ones that they love and to know the love that is out there and possible if they are open to seeing it.

All my love,

Gwen