The One That Got Away

As a girl grows up and continues on through her life... there will inevitably be at least one boy who makes such an impression on her; leaves such a mark in her heart, that she will remember the details of their moments together for the rest of her life.

Thinking back to the last time I saw him all those years ago, it doesn't seem as if he should warrant much thought let alone much emotion. And yet, there are times, when he haunts my dreams to the point where the thought of him resonates in my head for days, perhaps even weeks at a time.

It's not that I long for him or for what might have been necessarily. After all, I don't even know this person anymore. We were both kids at the time. Completely naive about ourselves and our worlds, let alone anything relating to love or relationships.

There is simply this part of me that yearns to know that he has found happiness in his life... or even perhaps, that every once in a while, I might pop into his mind as he does mine. If nothing else, perhaps it's merely a desire to have one last opportunity to share with him the feelings I could not bare to share so long ago.

I dreamt about him again a few weeks ago. It was in the middle of all of the "real life" emotional turmoil that seems to be the norm for me lately, which I'm sure had something to do with it.

I remember speaking to my sister about the dream and almost immediately she piped up with news of him... The first news in 8 years...the news that is always bittersweet when referencing someone who holds a piece of your heart...

He's getting married...

It was bound to happen, but I guess I always thought that I would be completely unaware of the event or anything remotely related to it. Especially with my so called religious "status". Never-the-less here I was hearing it with my very own ears.

Since the day I found out, I have had moments of melancholy as memories have come flooding back of little moments we shared together...the pranks, the laughing, and even some of the most honest talks I had experienced with any member of the opposite sex up to that point. As you might imagine, he's been on my mind a little.

Anyways, the story doesn't end here as you might expect...

The other night as my friends were trying desperately to get me to go out, let loose, and experience SLC nightlife as a single girl, we decided to hit one of the more trendy dance clubs in the downtown area.

Upon arriving at this club, we quickly came to the realization that all of the people attending this particular club that night were under the age of 21 (shudder). In a last minute attempt to find any place remotely close to the $7 parking spaces we had just paid for, we finally agreed on the bar across the street.

We waited our time in line to get into the front door and quickly made our way to the happening spot of the club, which just happened to include two of our favorite things... liquor and dancing. We made our way onto the dance floor and started shaking our groove thing, I began to scan the room and get a sense of my environment.

To give you a mental image of this particular scene... imagine a large two story area, with dance floor in the middle... filled with really horny, skanky women (excluding us of course ;D)... and lots of short (hornier then the women) men... all of whom you are packed in so tightly with that even without any kind of intent involved, you could not help but find yourself grinding with the body behind you.

After a time of pushing away the plethora of short men who were persistently attempting to mount my legs (or any other appendage they could get to), I spotted a familiar face in the crowd. Definitely not the face I would expect to see after midnight in a bar in SLC. In fact, at first I didn't even believe my eyes. But after a few moments, I realized that here in front of me, stood a JW guy I used to hang with back in my more (oh how do I put this?) wholesome days.

It was shocking... and I'm sure that the look on my face resembled one of those "WTF?" expressions. But alas, not something I really wanted to focus my energy on being that I was in a dance club with a number of my very close friends with intent to have a good time. So I let it go and went back to the shaking and grinding and protecting my rear end from the occasional ass slapping that had quickly become the game of the hour.

A few minutes later as I scanned the room again, my eyes wandered up to a spot on the balcony that overlooked the dance floor. There again, I spotted Greg (the JW guy) looking down in our general direction. Not only was he pointing me out to the person standing next to him... but as I looked closer to see if I might recognize this person, I realized that here, in this very club... on this very night... I was looking at the very boy who had haunted my dreams not more then a few weeks before. As you can imagine, my heard skipped more then a couple of beats.

Suddenly, there in the center of the club, it all hit me...

On this night, at this club, I had unknowingly crashed the bachelor party of one of the few JW boys I had ever considered interesting enough to date, possibly even settle down with. The one boy that, to this day, I still feel the need to keep pictures of.

I didn't know whether to be completely mortified or excited. In all honesty, I was feeling a bit of both. Yet, even though I had thought about the possibility of this moment happening off and on for the past 8 years, I still could not find the strength or the courage within myself to walk up to him merely to say Hi and wish him marital bliss.

Here he was, standing in front of me, within arms distance on that dance floor but I couldn't even gather enough courage to say "Hey". I had nothing to lose! Yet, in those moments, I watched him walk by... and away... and I said absolutely nothing... just as I had done 8 years ago as he walked out of my life and onto a path that lead in a very different direction from my own... not realizing that with him, he carried a small piece of my heart with him.

And now, as I sit here and write this, and think about it all in retrospect, I can't help but wonder... Are moments like these, really just a big coincidence? Is the universe trying to tell me something that I continually seem to miss? Or is it merely that whatever and whoever this God person is just happens to have a most wicked and sick sense of humor?

I'm sure there are no answers to be had, and I will live another day shaking my head in disbelief that these types of things occur in my life. I'm really ok with that. It does make life a bit more interesting to have a bit of mystery about.

Jer, I know that you will never read this, and I will never know whether or not you have thought of me, as I have thought of you... But if I never again get the opportunity to speak these words in person to you... I wish you nothing but the most happiness that this world has to offer you...

You will always hold a special place in my heart.

;)

There are times in life, when I just can't tell which way is up... and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to get a handle on things.

I must admit, I haven't handled things all that well lately. In fact, to put it bluntly... I have been a blubbering mess! Some days, I get angry and stubborn and just want to tell the entire world to go to hell... and then there are others when I just feel like falling asleep and never waking up. To be honest, I have become quite intolerable... even to myself.

I consider myself to be a pretty strong and independent woman. However, (and this may come as a shock to some of you... ha ha!) I do have a long list of weaknesses that tend to rear their ugly heads on occasion (or perhaps more often then I care to admit).

I am absolutely horrible at being alone. I am very uncomfortable being by myself. Perhaps this stems from growing up in a family of seven and not having much alone time... or perhaps (and this is probably a little closer to the truth) it's merely that I'm terrified to be alone with myself and my thoughts. With no distractions to keep my focus on, I'm forced to pay attention to the little voices in my head and the inner dialogs that occur. Or maybe it's not so much the thoughts as it is the feelings. Having to deal with the feelings of anger... or the feelings of loneliness (which ironically seems to be there regardless of how many people around around)... or even the feelings of heart break. Who wants to dwell on those when you can crack a funny joke or laugh with the ones you care about?

The funny thing is, one of my other biggest weaknesses is my inability to let go. As I write this, I can't help but wonder if the two are related. If I actually forced myself to face those feelings... then more then likely I would be able to let go of the things causing them. And yet, I'm not so sure if I'm ready to do that.

What is it that I'm so afraid of? Is the prospect of letting go and moving on and living a great life that terrifying? Why do I do this to myself?