There are times in life, when I just can't tell which way is up... and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to get a handle on things.

I must admit, I haven't handled things all that well lately. In fact, to put it bluntly... I have been a blubbering mess! Some days, I get angry and stubborn and just want to tell the entire world to go to hell... and then there are others when I just feel like falling asleep and never waking up. To be honest, I have become quite intolerable... even to myself.

I consider myself to be a pretty strong and independent woman. However, (and this may come as a shock to some of you... ha ha!) I do have a long list of weaknesses that tend to rear their ugly heads on occasion (or perhaps more often then I care to admit).

I am absolutely horrible at being alone. I am very uncomfortable being by myself. Perhaps this stems from growing up in a family of seven and not having much alone time... or perhaps (and this is probably a little closer to the truth) it's merely that I'm terrified to be alone with myself and my thoughts. With no distractions to keep my focus on, I'm forced to pay attention to the little voices in my head and the inner dialogs that occur. Or maybe it's not so much the thoughts as it is the feelings. Having to deal with the feelings of anger... or the feelings of loneliness (which ironically seems to be there regardless of how many people around around)... or even the feelings of heart break. Who wants to dwell on those when you can crack a funny joke or laugh with the ones you care about?

The funny thing is, one of my other biggest weaknesses is my inability to let go. As I write this, I can't help but wonder if the two are related. If I actually forced myself to face those feelings... then more then likely I would be able to let go of the things causing them. And yet, I'm not so sure if I'm ready to do that.

What is it that I'm so afraid of? Is the prospect of letting go and moving on and living a great life that terrifying? Why do I do this to myself?