My Debut Back to Singlehood

Ugh... To be single again... ya know... it was once considered the "in" thing. In fact, I'm sure that there may be a few of my married friends out there a little envious of the position I find myself in once again.

I for one am not necessarily convinced.

Don't get me wrong... I can be single. I can even enjoy being single. I enjoyed my single moments... I really did... And even now I know that I will enjoy every moment of being single... because Damnit... I'm going to Seize the Day Baby!

I did go out tonight for the first time in a very long time. Which was good but apparently over the past year and a half I have become incredibly accustomed to the domesticated life and have lost practice in the ways of getting ready for a night out on the town...

I got all dressed up.... You know how it goes... looking good... feeling sassy... And then I realized that I hadn't set up the sprinklers. So after I finished the final touches and found myself ready to go, I headed outside to set them up and get them going on my half dead lawn that I'm still working (very hard might I add) to raise back to life.

You wouldn't think that this would be a big task... but imagine trying to do all of this in heels. Now... not rocket science mind you... but I'm setting up the lawn... and I had turned on the water already because I wanted to adjust it to hit just the right spots... and that's when I realized that I was dead center in the path of the sprinkler as it came around.

Now most people in my situation would run... but I was stunned by the irony in all of it. Here I was... all dressed for my debut back into singlehood and I had a sprinkler quickly approaching me.

Oh yes... as you can imagine... it came right for me... and all I could do was laugh and shake my head as I let the water soak me through the outfit I had so carefully picked out for the evening.

It was as if the universe was laughing at me going "Sucker!"!!!

All I could do was giggle as I ran quickly into the house to throw my outfit in the dryer.

Anywho... it did turn out to be a wonderful night and I laughed most of it so perhaps this single thing isn't so bad after all...

Thank you Kendra... it was much needed and I had a blast...

My Little Runner Girl

On August 09, 2008 Abby, Joshua and I all ran together in the Harvest Days 5K right here in Midvale. As we started out the race Abby darted off and we only saw her once during the entire race. Turns out as we were bringing up the rear right in front of the sag wagon (Josh is convinced he hates running at this point) Abby had run her little heart out and finished way ahead of us.

She placed 3rd in her age division and took home the Bronze medal.

You are awesome Abby! Just added proof that you my dear can accomplish anything you put your mind to!

That's My Girl!

Beauty

One of the greatest perks we have here in the great state of Utah is the opportunity to be right at the foot of some rather gorgeous mountains.

I have found that living here a number of years one tends to take them for granted as we go about our business from day to day... I myself am guilty of this as I catch glimpses here and there but rarely taking the opportunity to just take it all in.

Last night I decided to go for a swim and as I was coming out of the exit of the pool I just happened to look up as the mountain range that rises not more than a few miles from where I was standing... It was a sight to behold as the setting sun threw a warm light over the peaks of the mountains in such a way that it set them on fire.

It was an absolutely breathtaking sight and I just stood there for a moment staring at the wonder of it all. If that wasn't enough, as I was making my way home I turned the corner to head west and I encountered the most beautiful sunset I think I have ever experienced here in Utah.

The sight brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't take my eyes away from it.

The beauty of it, you see, was not in just the sunset itself, but in the surrounding factors that contributed to what I was witnessing...

That day in Utah there was a massive fire in the hills to the south of us and with the winds blowing through the valley it was spreading the smoke and ash throughout the wasatch front. The added smoke and ash in the air cause the reflection of the sun going down to dance in brilliant red and yellow light as it peered out from behind the dark profile of the western mountains.

It never ceases to amaze me how much beauty there is to find in life... even in the midst of distructive forces.

The Sign...

It's truly remarkable how events tend to lay themselves out so eloquently, just enough to make you think that there could be something bigger at work... some mysterious force that eludes to much more than mere coincidence.

My parents came for a visit last week to see their grandkids. This is something they have often done when given the opportunity... but this time felt different somehow... something in their voices...

They assured me that it was not a death in the family (which it often is when they want to share more than two words with me or any of the other siblings who have followed me into the world of darkness) so I wasn't worried about that, but as I awaited their arrival I have to admit I was a bit apprehensive.

Ten years it has been since I made the decision to leave behind the beliefs and the life of my childhood... My "inheritance" as my dad tenderly calls it. The wall was put up that day and has been up ever since.

You see, We Iarussi's are great at putting up a tough guard when we have experienced hurt in our lives... it's one of the the things that makes us strong... Ironically it also serves as one of our greatest weaknesses as we fight the urge to shut off from the world around us... shut out the things that matter most to us but could hurt us most.

When we met up with my parents for this particular visit, on this particular day, something was very different. The walls were gone... for that brief moment in time our parents were back.

Throughout the day we proceeded to talk... about love, about life, about pain and ultimately about their devoted love to us and the desire to have us in their lives again. There were moments of healing... and moments of understanding...

For the first time in the ten years since the walls went up I felt as if we were all in a place of forgiveness and honesty. A place where we could accept one another as we were... without any other factors... to finally mend the wounds we had incurred through the decade long silence that had existed between us.

I left that night in a state of shock... healed... confused... and thankful for every moment of it.

The story had not changed you see, it was the same as always... They want us back... and they want us back now. But the love was there... and it was a love that only "Family" brings... and it's something that I had not felt in a very long time... and it deeply affected me.

I prayed that night... to a God I no longer believe in... the God of my childhood. I prayed for clarity and the strength to move forward in the right direction... no matter what the direction might be.

I spent that night alone... no one to listen to the feelings that were pouring from my heart. No one to wipe my tears and to tell me that with each new day... comes a new sense of clarity and hope. I must admit that I was more confused by the experience than anything. One would hope for clarity with an experience like this but I was only left with more questions...

The next few days were a bit crazy as I was still in a swirl of emotion and tears that could have just as easily been related to chemical imbalance as anything else... but I did look forward to sharing the experience with you... the one person I shared everything with. The one that I had finally learned to trust my heart with...

You arrived that night... and I knew immediately that something wasn't right

The moment our eyes met, I could tell that something was different, and it sent a chill through me that I had never felt before.

During the ride home you said you had changed... and I listened intently as you went on about the events of the past couple of weeks... all the while rolling over the events of the past few moments where you had swiftly packed the bags... where you had seemingly forgotten the hugs and kisses that symbolized the welcome return to home. I tried not to put too much energy into the fact that the girls could not bring themselves to look at me.

And then the bubble burst...

Your eyes were distant... almost cold... as if the walls that I had felt for so many years with my family were suddenly here... with you... the place that they least belonged... and yet... there were there... almost clearly visible.

What we had shattered into a thousand tiny moments that night as you shared the stories of your own moment of clarity... the clarity that lead you to end all that we had worked so hard together to achieve... and in as quickly as it had started... it was over...

And again... I am left in silence.

Lucas Ian Phillips

"Of all the joys that lighten suffering earth, what joy is welcomed like a newborn child?"
Dorothy L. Nolte