The Sign...

It's truly remarkable how events tend to lay themselves out so eloquently, just enough to make you think that there could be something bigger at work... some mysterious force that eludes to much more than mere coincidence.

My parents came for a visit last week to see their grandkids. This is something they have often done when given the opportunity... but this time felt different somehow... something in their voices...

They assured me that it was not a death in the family (which it often is when they want to share more than two words with me or any of the other siblings who have followed me into the world of darkness) so I wasn't worried about that, but as I awaited their arrival I have to admit I was a bit apprehensive.

Ten years it has been since I made the decision to leave behind the beliefs and the life of my childhood... My "inheritance" as my dad tenderly calls it. The wall was put up that day and has been up ever since.

You see, We Iarussi's are great at putting up a tough guard when we have experienced hurt in our lives... it's one of the the things that makes us strong... Ironically it also serves as one of our greatest weaknesses as we fight the urge to shut off from the world around us... shut out the things that matter most to us but could hurt us most.

When we met up with my parents for this particular visit, on this particular day, something was very different. The walls were gone... for that brief moment in time our parents were back.

Throughout the day we proceeded to talk... about love, about life, about pain and ultimately about their devoted love to us and the desire to have us in their lives again. There were moments of healing... and moments of understanding...

For the first time in the ten years since the walls went up I felt as if we were all in a place of forgiveness and honesty. A place where we could accept one another as we were... without any other factors... to finally mend the wounds we had incurred through the decade long silence that had existed between us.

I left that night in a state of shock... healed... confused... and thankful for every moment of it.

The story had not changed you see, it was the same as always... They want us back... and they want us back now. But the love was there... and it was a love that only "Family" brings... and it's something that I had not felt in a very long time... and it deeply affected me.

I prayed that night... to a God I no longer believe in... the God of my childhood. I prayed for clarity and the strength to move forward in the right direction... no matter what the direction might be.

I spent that night alone... no one to listen to the feelings that were pouring from my heart. No one to wipe my tears and to tell me that with each new day... comes a new sense of clarity and hope. I must admit that I was more confused by the experience than anything. One would hope for clarity with an experience like this but I was only left with more questions...

The next few days were a bit crazy as I was still in a swirl of emotion and tears that could have just as easily been related to chemical imbalance as anything else... but I did look forward to sharing the experience with you... the one person I shared everything with. The one that I had finally learned to trust my heart with...

You arrived that night... and I knew immediately that something wasn't right

The moment our eyes met, I could tell that something was different, and it sent a chill through me that I had never felt before.

During the ride home you said you had changed... and I listened intently as you went on about the events of the past couple of weeks... all the while rolling over the events of the past few moments where you had swiftly packed the bags... where you had seemingly forgotten the hugs and kisses that symbolized the welcome return to home. I tried not to put too much energy into the fact that the girls could not bring themselves to look at me.

And then the bubble burst...

Your eyes were distant... almost cold... as if the walls that I had felt for so many years with my family were suddenly here... with you... the place that they least belonged... and yet... there were there... almost clearly visible.

What we had shattered into a thousand tiny moments that night as you shared the stories of your own moment of clarity... the clarity that lead you to end all that we had worked so hard together to achieve... and in as quickly as it had started... it was over...

And again... I am left in silence.