On this beautiful fall day here in Utah, as the sun shines through the window and the earth is covered in a thin white veil of sparkle, I find myself pondering this crazy little thing called love...
Love, a single word that can be expressed, and translated for that matter, in so many different ways and at its core means something completely different to every single human being based on their own personal experience of it.
Oddly enough, pondering on the matter of love has taken be back to my roots, back to when love was defined for me in the biblical terms...
Phileo being the love that is shared among family members and close friends; Eros being the love between lovers and the greatest of all loves, Agape... the "Christ Like" love that is unconditional and rises above all others.
As I look at it now from a more objective (or as objective as I can get being in a very subjective state ;D) viewpoint it seems somewhat silly to generalize such a big thing as love into only three categories. Especially because each one of those categories encompasses so much in terms of the human experiences associated with these types of love.
As I look at these depictions of love, I have begun to think of a couple of things that I believe to be missing from this biblical concept of love, and is something that took a number of very difficult years for me to figure out on my own.
1. The loving of one's self
2. The acceptance of love into one's life
As a child the value was placed on a level of selflessness in a love for the people around me. Putting their needs above my own always. In fact, the concept of putting any type of important on loving yourself was looked upon as selfishness... the exact opposite of the godly way that we were striving for.
Although I see why this is a trait that is so widely preached and why it was considered to be an important value to instill (especially when you look at the level of selfishness that is so prevalent around the world today), I also feel that in many cases it can be mis-interpreted in a way that can lead to an unhealthy viewpoint on what true love is... and more importantly, what true love isn't.
Never was this proven more to me than in my early twenties as I went from being just "Gwen" to being a young mother and wife. The meaning of selflessness took on an entirely different meaning to me during that time, and as I struggled to identify with what it meant to be a good wife... and more importantly what it meant to be a good mother, I found myself lost... confused... and most unhappy.
The thing that I could not understand was how I could have such a feeling of love inside of me for these amazing people in my life and yet I felt so empty... so detached... so helpless in regards to expressing the feelings in a way that truly reflected what I felt inside.
What's worse is that during that time, I became so unaware that I went into an auto-pilot state where it became about fulfilling the needs of everyone else, whether it be making sure that there was a warm meal on the table, or the bathroom was cleaned. I was so lost that those activities became my only display of love and in the end I could not help but feel a certain level of failure in my abilities as mother, as lover, as friend.
If there is one thing that my experiences have taught me is that you cannot give which you do not have. During those years when I was lost to myself, there was a moment at which I woke up and realized that unless I was willing to give myself and accept into my life the same love that I was attempting to bestow upon others around me, that I could never be successful in being the person of love that I wanted to be.
It stands out as one of the more remarkable and life changing moments to date. I'm not quite sure what the exact event was that served to be the splash of cold water that I needed to wake up, but what I do know is that my entire outlook changed on how I viewed myself and the roles in which I play and in reality, I cannot even begin to explain in words the impact that this has had in my life.
Although every day is a chance to learn more about love and the world around me I feel blessed in my life to be able to know this one truth... that Love is something that cannot be experienced in its entirety until one is willing to give this love fully to the world around them, and in turn love one's self enough to allow those around them to give love fully in return. Perhaps... that in and of itself is the true meaning of "Agape" that is spoken of in the bible.
Regardless though of its application, it's this one truth that has been so incredibly powerful at this point in my life and I only hope that my life can be a reflection of this as I move forward through life.
Today I treasure each and every one of the little moments where this expression of true love is present... whether it be a bear hug from my little Joshie... or Abby snuggling up next to me as she slowly twirls little bits of my hair around her tiny fingertips (a gesture that she has shown since the day she was born) or even catching eyes with Brian and feeling that overwhelming sense of knowing him... and knowing that his heart and mine are entirely in tune with one another.
As we move into this holiday season... My one wish is for everyone to share these moments fully with the ones that they love and to know the love that is out there and possible if they are open to seeing it.
All my love,
Gwen
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Hints of Autumn
A sudden hint of crispness returns to the air all around... the smells are different... one begins to hear the crunching sounds of fallen leaves as they walk along a cool and serenely quiet neighborhood street... yes, Autumn has returned.
For me, the Autumn is always a time of introspect... of reviewing the year's events and coming to terms with all that I have learned about myself and the world around me and then accepting those into who I am... and letting them mold me into the person I am now... and will be tomorrow.
This year however, is a bit different... along with the reminiscing of moments passed comes an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for all the little things that I absolutely love about my life. All the little things, that, although may not mean anything to you or the next person... are absolutely everything to me.
On a deeper level though, there is an ever growing gratitude for all of the people that I am lucky enough to call friends and family. The select few amazing and wonderful beings that have blessed my life with being a part of it... whether you have known me for longer than I can even remember or have only entered it recently, my hope for you this fall is that you know who you are and realize just how important you are to me.
On another note... I find it interesting that moments of my past seem to come back to the front of my mind... although just glimmers of a life that, for the most part, seems nothing more than a distant memory.
The haunting remains of emotions for the family that once was... for the parents whose approval I valued more highly than one ever should... and yet... even after all these years, I still find myself hoping that one day they would find it within their hearts to be happy for the person I have become... for the woman, the sister, the daughter, and the mother that I am today, right here... and right now... for it is for them that I find myself most grateful for being the parents I needed to rise above the norm... step out of the person I thought I should be... and to have the courage to be all that I am to the small world around me.
I am grateful to you all... and I wish that you all have a safe and wonderful Autumn filled with all of the love, magic and wonder that may come.
Much love,
Gwen
For me, the Autumn is always a time of introspect... of reviewing the year's events and coming to terms with all that I have learned about myself and the world around me and then accepting those into who I am... and letting them mold me into the person I am now... and will be tomorrow.
This year however, is a bit different... along with the reminiscing of moments passed comes an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for all the little things that I absolutely love about my life. All the little things, that, although may not mean anything to you or the next person... are absolutely everything to me.
On a deeper level though, there is an ever growing gratitude for all of the people that I am lucky enough to call friends and family. The select few amazing and wonderful beings that have blessed my life with being a part of it... whether you have known me for longer than I can even remember or have only entered it recently, my hope for you this fall is that you know who you are and realize just how important you are to me.
On another note... I find it interesting that moments of my past seem to come back to the front of my mind... although just glimmers of a life that, for the most part, seems nothing more than a distant memory.
The haunting remains of emotions for the family that once was... for the parents whose approval I valued more highly than one ever should... and yet... even after all these years, I still find myself hoping that one day they would find it within their hearts to be happy for the person I have become... for the woman, the sister, the daughter, and the mother that I am today, right here... and right now... for it is for them that I find myself most grateful for being the parents I needed to rise above the norm... step out of the person I thought I should be... and to have the courage to be all that I am to the small world around me.
I am grateful to you all... and I wish that you all have a safe and wonderful Autumn filled with all of the love, magic and wonder that may come.
Much love,
Gwen
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Letting Go and Finding Love Ab ovo
The Word of the Day for September 17, 2009 is:
ab ovo • \ab-OH-voh\ • adverb
: from the beginning
(couldn't help adding this to the post as it seems so fitting =D)
Not long ago, I was that girl...
You know the one... the mid-thirties single mom who had lost all hope in the male species in general let alone the concept of love that could last a lifetime. I tried not to be bitter about it... for there was a part of me that longed for it above all other things. Perhaps it was that longing that kept pushing it from my grasp... Who's to know for sure?
I prefer to call myself a realist more than a cynic. Although, I'm sure that there are more than a few moments when anyone who knows me could tell you I had crossed that ever so gray line into the cynical side of things on more than one occasion. It still amazes me to this day what great and loyal friends I have... the ones who sat there and put up with all of the colors of Gwen. ( I officially take this moment to thank each and every one of you for doing your part in aiding my level of sanity)
In all reality, I was exhausted... I was tired of putting faith and hope in something that seemed to be nothing more than a fairytale. A story that I had been lead to believe as a small child... Brainwashed by Disney movies that depicted the princess rescued from her despair by prince charming who had perfect timing and always arrived on a white horse.
So I gave up and more importantly I let it go...
Looking back, I can't quite remember the exact moment when the switch occurred. Oh sure, at the back of my mind and this small area in my heart, there was this little voice that hoped that one day the impossibility would become possible... but I decided that I was no longer going to waste my energy in waiting for prince charming to live the life that I had dreamed. To be truly happy, and content with the wonderful life that I had... right here... right now.
It's a quite empowering moment to let it all go. Don't get me wrong... I did have moments of weakness... but instead of letting those moments take over and define my every day... I decided to grab life by the metaphorical balls and truly live God Damnit! ;)
It wasn't until a few months back that the concept of "True Love" entered the picture again and smacked me head on like a ton of bricks. I had traveled to San Diego to attend the wedding of my adopted "Big Sis" and the love of her life. We had shared discussions about Love and Romance and had even talked about some of the men that I had been dating recently. When they talked, they spoke of a connection that, although it rang true with my heart, I couldn't conceive mentally and certainly hadn't experienced before. A love that tied you together with someone so deeply that you just KNEW with every ounce of your soul... your body... your mind that it was right... and real... and worth holding on to.
Again I found myself wanting to believe in this crazy concept... Of connecting with someone on that level. More importantly, I began to realize, much to my dismay, that I was responsible for not having this in my life... How could I invite this level of love into my life when I wasn't open to it? When I didn't consider myself worthy of such deep devotion and adoration?
Suddenly I realized how much this had impacted the relationships around me... not just in a romantic sense... but the relationships with anyone I called a friend... anyone I called family... most importantly, my children. Here I was wanting to love... wanting to be loved... and yet, I was keeping everyone at an arms length. Protecting myself from the possibility of hurt... the possibility of loss.
In this single weekend, among some of the most beautiful and amazing people I have ever met, in an environment that spoke love on so many levels, I realized that not only was I worth a love that was so deep and so true that it's power was beyond the grasp of words, but I could accept nothing less in my life.
For the first time in a very long time, I felt open to love... I felt open to not only sharing this love with the people around me that were so important to me... but open to receiving it in return. Regardless of the outcome... regardless of the "What If's" that seemed, at one time, to plague every waking moment.
And then you came along... you... dressed all handsome like in that lavender shirt that made me smile to myself because... after all... it takes a big man to wear pastels ;). You... with your "ridiculously good looks", your charming personality, and the most amazing smile that lit up the entire room around you.
Every day since then has been a gift Brian... every moment something to hold onto and build upon. The more I get to know you the deeper my feelings grow for you and I long to know more and more about what made you the amazing person you are today and I grow more and more excited about who you will be tomorrow, and 10 years from now... and further... and often I wonder what we will be together.
There are still moments when it feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from and then it hits me. Perhaps Michele was right... perhaps you are the gift of a force greater than I can imagine. All I know is that I cherish each and every moment with you and I am so excited for the adventures that each new day may bring.
I love you Brian... from the deepest part of my heart. Thank you for being a part of my life!
ab ovo • \ab-OH-voh\ • adverb
: from the beginning
(couldn't help adding this to the post as it seems so fitting =D)
Not long ago, I was that girl...
You know the one... the mid-thirties single mom who had lost all hope in the male species in general let alone the concept of love that could last a lifetime. I tried not to be bitter about it... for there was a part of me that longed for it above all other things. Perhaps it was that longing that kept pushing it from my grasp... Who's to know for sure?
I prefer to call myself a realist more than a cynic. Although, I'm sure that there are more than a few moments when anyone who knows me could tell you I had crossed that ever so gray line into the cynical side of things on more than one occasion. It still amazes me to this day what great and loyal friends I have... the ones who sat there and put up with all of the colors of Gwen. ( I officially take this moment to thank each and every one of you for doing your part in aiding my level of sanity)
In all reality, I was exhausted... I was tired of putting faith and hope in something that seemed to be nothing more than a fairytale. A story that I had been lead to believe as a small child... Brainwashed by Disney movies that depicted the princess rescued from her despair by prince charming who had perfect timing and always arrived on a white horse.
So I gave up and more importantly I let it go...
Looking back, I can't quite remember the exact moment when the switch occurred. Oh sure, at the back of my mind and this small area in my heart, there was this little voice that hoped that one day the impossibility would become possible... but I decided that I was no longer going to waste my energy in waiting for prince charming to live the life that I had dreamed. To be truly happy, and content with the wonderful life that I had... right here... right now.
It's a quite empowering moment to let it all go. Don't get me wrong... I did have moments of weakness... but instead of letting those moments take over and define my every day... I decided to grab life by the metaphorical balls and truly live God Damnit! ;)
It wasn't until a few months back that the concept of "True Love" entered the picture again and smacked me head on like a ton of bricks. I had traveled to San Diego to attend the wedding of my adopted "Big Sis" and the love of her life. We had shared discussions about Love and Romance and had even talked about some of the men that I had been dating recently. When they talked, they spoke of a connection that, although it rang true with my heart, I couldn't conceive mentally and certainly hadn't experienced before. A love that tied you together with someone so deeply that you just KNEW with every ounce of your soul... your body... your mind that it was right... and real... and worth holding on to.
Again I found myself wanting to believe in this crazy concept... Of connecting with someone on that level. More importantly, I began to realize, much to my dismay, that I was responsible for not having this in my life... How could I invite this level of love into my life when I wasn't open to it? When I didn't consider myself worthy of such deep devotion and adoration?
Suddenly I realized how much this had impacted the relationships around me... not just in a romantic sense... but the relationships with anyone I called a friend... anyone I called family... most importantly, my children. Here I was wanting to love... wanting to be loved... and yet, I was keeping everyone at an arms length. Protecting myself from the possibility of hurt... the possibility of loss.
In this single weekend, among some of the most beautiful and amazing people I have ever met, in an environment that spoke love on so many levels, I realized that not only was I worth a love that was so deep and so true that it's power was beyond the grasp of words, but I could accept nothing less in my life.
For the first time in a very long time, I felt open to love... I felt open to not only sharing this love with the people around me that were so important to me... but open to receiving it in return. Regardless of the outcome... regardless of the "What If's" that seemed, at one time, to plague every waking moment.
And then you came along... you... dressed all handsome like in that lavender shirt that made me smile to myself because... after all... it takes a big man to wear pastels ;). You... with your "ridiculously good looks", your charming personality, and the most amazing smile that lit up the entire room around you.
Every day since then has been a gift Brian... every moment something to hold onto and build upon. The more I get to know you the deeper my feelings grow for you and I long to know more and more about what made you the amazing person you are today and I grow more and more excited about who you will be tomorrow, and 10 years from now... and further... and often I wonder what we will be together.
There are still moments when it feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from and then it hits me. Perhaps Michele was right... perhaps you are the gift of a force greater than I can imagine. All I know is that I cherish each and every moment with you and I am so excited for the adventures that each new day may bring.
I love you Brian... from the deepest part of my heart. Thank you for being a part of my life!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Passions of Late
As with the Ebb and Flow of most things in life, I find myself in a state of silence lately, unwilling to share with the world even a glimmer of the goings on within my life. I'm thankful for the moments like this... I find that most often, these times allow me to reflect on everything that I have allowed to simmer inside and provide good building blocks for future writing efforts.
Today as I was driving to work, I was listening to a goofy morning talk show that just happened to have a number of people calling in to a psychic that makes regular guest appearances on the show.
One of the callers mentioned that they were having a hard time making the decision as to the path that they would take in life... and as the psychic was talking to this person over the phone the radio host cut into the conversation and started talking about how important it was to find out what your passions are and to truly pursue those no matter what. Make those the priority in your life because that is what will make life most rich and worthwhile...
It reminded me about another quote...
"Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing."
Theodore Roosevelt, Speech in New York, September 7, 1903 [26th president of US (1858 - 1919)]
These thoughts stayed with me for most of the day as this has proven to be a really big challenge for me
It's not that I don't have passions... I feel passionate about many things. I am passionate about life itself and all that it has encompassed up to this very moment. I am passionate about "quality", which has been such a fascinating thing to study throughout the years as it has so many applications in both my life and the world in which I am a small part of.
I am passionate about running and all of the opportunities that it has presented to me. I am passionate about capturing the little moments through photography and writing... as those have both become perfect creative outlets that seem to draw me in more and more as I have experimented with them both over the past few years.
Perhaps the problem isn't in finding the passions in my life, but in truly making those a bigger priority. So many times these things take the sidelines to the busy things that fill up my life... the hustle and bustle of doing the things that, although important are perhaps not the MOST important.
So I have decided to work a bit harder at focusing on the passions that truly stand out from the rest...
1. Running
2. Photography
3. Writing
I have ideas in the works for all three of these passions and will continue to post my thoughts, feelings and experiences relating to each one. Perhaps if nothing else putting them out here for the world to see will assist in my efforts to truly bring these areas of my life into greater focus.
Wish me luck! :)
Today as I was driving to work, I was listening to a goofy morning talk show that just happened to have a number of people calling in to a psychic that makes regular guest appearances on the show.
One of the callers mentioned that they were having a hard time making the decision as to the path that they would take in life... and as the psychic was talking to this person over the phone the radio host cut into the conversation and started talking about how important it was to find out what your passions are and to truly pursue those no matter what. Make those the priority in your life because that is what will make life most rich and worthwhile...
It reminded me about another quote...
"Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing."
Theodore Roosevelt, Speech in New York, September 7, 1903 [26th president of US (1858 - 1919)]
These thoughts stayed with me for most of the day as this has proven to be a really big challenge for me
It's not that I don't have passions... I feel passionate about many things. I am passionate about life itself and all that it has encompassed up to this very moment. I am passionate about "quality", which has been such a fascinating thing to study throughout the years as it has so many applications in both my life and the world in which I am a small part of.
I am passionate about running and all of the opportunities that it has presented to me. I am passionate about capturing the little moments through photography and writing... as those have both become perfect creative outlets that seem to draw me in more and more as I have experimented with them both over the past few years.
Perhaps the problem isn't in finding the passions in my life, but in truly making those a bigger priority. So many times these things take the sidelines to the busy things that fill up my life... the hustle and bustle of doing the things that, although important are perhaps not the MOST important.
So I have decided to work a bit harder at focusing on the passions that truly stand out from the rest...
1. Running
2. Photography
3. Writing
I have ideas in the works for all three of these passions and will continue to post my thoughts, feelings and experiences relating to each one. Perhaps if nothing else putting them out here for the world to see will assist in my efforts to truly bring these areas of my life into greater focus.
Wish me luck! :)
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