Letting Go and Finding Love Ab ovo

The Word of the Day for September 17, 2009 is:
ab ovo • \ab-OH-voh\ • adverb

: from the beginning

(couldn't help adding this to the post as it seems so fitting =D)

Not long ago, I was that girl...

You know the one... the mid-thirties single mom who had lost all hope in the male species in general let alone the concept of love that could last a lifetime. I tried not to be bitter about it... for there was a part of me that longed for it above all other things. Perhaps it was that longing that kept pushing it from my grasp... Who's to know for sure?

I prefer to call myself a realist more than a cynic. Although, I'm sure that there are more than a few moments when anyone who knows me could tell you I had crossed that ever so gray line into the cynical side of things on more than one occasion. It still amazes me to this day what great and loyal friends I have... the ones who sat there and put up with all of the colors of Gwen. ( I officially take this moment to thank each and every one of you for doing your part in aiding my level of sanity)

In all reality, I was exhausted... I was tired of putting faith and hope in something that seemed to be nothing more than a fairytale. A story that I had been lead to believe as a small child... Brainwashed by Disney movies that depicted the princess rescued from her despair by prince charming who had perfect timing and always arrived on a white horse.

So I gave up and more importantly I let it go...

Looking back, I can't quite remember the exact moment when the switch occurred. Oh sure, at the back of my mind and this small area in my heart, there was this little voice that hoped that one day the impossibility would become possible... but I decided that I was no longer going to waste my energy in waiting for prince charming to live the life that I had dreamed. To be truly happy, and content with the wonderful life that I had... right here... right now.

It's a quite empowering moment to let it all go. Don't get me wrong... I did have moments of weakness... but instead of letting those moments take over and define my every day... I decided to grab life by the metaphorical balls and truly live God Damnit! ;)

It wasn't until a few months back that the concept of "True Love" entered the picture again and smacked me head on like a ton of bricks. I had traveled to San Diego to attend the wedding of my adopted "Big Sis" and the love of her life. We had shared discussions about Love and Romance and had even talked about some of the men that I had been dating recently. When they talked, they spoke of a connection that, although it rang true with my heart, I couldn't conceive mentally and certainly hadn't experienced before. A love that tied you together with someone so deeply that you just KNEW with every ounce of your soul... your body... your mind that it was right... and real... and worth holding on to.

Again I found myself wanting to believe in this crazy concept... Of connecting with someone on that level. More importantly, I began to realize, much to my dismay, that I was responsible for not having this in my life... How could I invite this level of love into my life when I wasn't open to it? When I didn't consider myself worthy of such deep devotion and adoration?

Suddenly I realized how much this had impacted the relationships around me... not just in a romantic sense... but the relationships with anyone I called a friend... anyone I called family... most importantly, my children. Here I was wanting to love... wanting to be loved... and yet, I was keeping everyone at an arms length. Protecting myself from the possibility of hurt... the possibility of loss.

In this single weekend, among some of the most beautiful and amazing people I have ever met, in an environment that spoke love on so many levels, I realized that not only was I worth a love that was so deep and so true that it's power was beyond the grasp of words, but I could accept nothing less in my life.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt open to love... I felt open to not only sharing this love with the people around me that were so important to me... but open to receiving it in return. Regardless of the outcome... regardless of the "What If's" that seemed, at one time, to plague every waking moment.

And then you came along... you... dressed all handsome like in that lavender shirt that made me smile to myself because... after all... it takes a big man to wear pastels ;). You... with your "ridiculously good looks", your charming personality, and the most amazing smile that lit up the entire room around you.

Every day since then has been a gift Brian... every moment something to hold onto and build upon. The more I get to know you the deeper my feelings grow for you and I long to know more and more about what made you the amazing person you are today and I grow more and more excited about who you will be tomorrow, and 10 years from now... and further... and often I wonder what we will be together.

There are still moments when it feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from and then it hits me. Perhaps Michele was right... perhaps you are the gift of a force greater than I can imagine. All I know is that I cherish each and every moment with you and I am so excited for the adventures that each new day may bring.

I love you Brian... from the deepest part of my heart. Thank you for being a part of my life!