Once upon a time, there was a normal family... ok, maybe not normal, but as normal as one would hope for a family to be...
Oh sure it was crazy at times. Sometimes we hated one another, and sometimes we wanted to trade one another out with other families we thought were perhaps a bit "cooler" than ours... but for the most part, our family was the family to be a part of... complete with big family dinners, lots of hugs and kisses, and just enough disfunction thrown in to keep things interesting.
That was life growing up for me... It was safe... it was secure... and it was home.
That was 11 years ago...
Since then, the entire concept of family has become completely foreign to me. Looking back on my childhood memories, most of the time it feels as if they aren't even mine... as if I'm dreaming the life of someone I once knew or read about once or saw in one of those cheesy movies that somehow always concluded with a happy ending.
Could it be that these memories actually belong to me?
My experience of "Family" since then is very different now. I do catch glimpses of it on occasion. Usually it's when I'm with my friends and I'm watching the interaction between them and their loved ones...
Being invited to join in on the special holiday dinners where the whole family gets together and laughs about Uncle John's impeccable timing when it came to bodily noises or reminisces aabout holidays of old while playing cards and sipping hot apple cider.
Watching a mom look upon her son with such love and concern, knowing that her role is so different now that he is all grown up and completely in control of his own life. Observing as she fights back the urge to grab him into her arms and just hold him to her in that special place where nothing can hurt him... nothing can break his heart... where she can wipe the tears away... kiss the bumps and bruises, and all the pain just disappears into that place where all fears and childhood monsters go when moms are around.
I have found through the years that these types of experiences bring up this weird sense of fear in me and I become completely uncomfortable around it. It's as if I have this unspoken dread that if I was to truly open up and allow myself to relish in these "family moments" (even though not my own)... that in some way, I would betray these ancient memories of the family I once knew... the ghosts of my past.
I have succeeded (for the most part) at shoving most of these feelings under the rug. After all, I'm the grown up now, with my own kids. Now the priority for me is to give my children the family that I know I will never again experience in my own life... and it works... for the majority of the time.
That is... until the past comes rushing back to me and I'm forced once again to deal with it face to face.
This week, on their way back to our home town to attend a family member's graduation, my estranged parents and sisters decided to stop in to see the only grandkids they know. This of course means that they will inevitably have to interact with two of the three children that they have removed completely from their life (I believe the term they used long ago was that we were "dead" in their eyes).
It was a minor inconvenience that was easily managed by making us feel like total shit while they played with the kids and spoiled them with all the great things that grandparents can get away with giving to their grandkids when they know they don't have to deal with them during the nightly bedtime ritual that only happens once they are long gone.
As I sat there that evening, watching my children interact with their Grandparents and Aunties, FROM ACROSS THE RESTAURANT (Apparently there is a "No Eat" rule when dealing with "Dead" children)... watching these people who have become all but strangers to me, play innocently with my kids as though the world was nothing less than perfect, I started to realize how disrespectful the entire situation was... and I actually felt furious... not so much that it was happening... but more at the fact that I had allowed it to happen! ONCE AGAIN!
Sitting here writing this, even now, I have all these great ideas about what I should have said to them... all the smart remarks I could have made to the brother-in-law that I have never "officially" met, who spent the entire visit glaring at me from a distance. All the smart retorts I could have made in response to my fathers insistent rants about "The Truth" and the scriptural principles that allow them to act the way they do with us... and of course, no visit would be complete without bringing up that at one point I too had knowledge of these principles... silly me... I forgot that verse in Psalms where it states "Thou shall not break bread with sinners". (ARE YOU SENSING THE SARCASM HERE???)
But no matter how much I plan on saying... no matter how much I psyche myself up to tell them where they can shove their biblical principles... I find myself completely shut down and withdrawn from them and the entire situation altogether.
At this point in my life, I have become completely numb to them... so much in fact, that after all was said and done, and my father was hugging me and kissing me on the cheek... whispering "I Love You" in my ear... I could say nothing.
No I love you... No "FUCK YOU DAD!"... Nothing...
At this point in the story I'm sure you are wondering to yourself why anyone in the world would put up with such madness? Why I didn't stand up for myself and make them pay the consequences for their rediculous belief systems? WHY? WHY? WHY?
The only answer I have lies HERE
As I watched the joy that went through my kids faces... and the joy felt by these people who were once my entire world... my everything... I cannot imagine myself saying no to it.
After all... for better or worse... We Are Family
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Things Left Unsaid...
So the other day, at the end of a rather stressful work week, and after a flood of climactic events that left me feeling ready to run from the building never to return, I found myself in a conference room, in a full on rant with the Manager of the project I have been spending the majority of my waking hours working on.
It's funny, he had initially asked to talk to me about the events to make sure I understood what had occurred and to make sure I was alright about everything...
As you can imagine, my initial reaction to the discussion was to carry on in a politically correct manner and just do the typical nod and smile and blow it off as if everything was great. Knowing full well that my every facial gesture, and the fact that I was visibly upset to the point of tears had completely betrayed my pathetic attempts.
The reality is... I was completely out of line... I knew it... He knew it... and yet, once I started, I could not stop until it was all out there on the table.
In all honesty, it was one of the more refreshing moments I have experienced in the corporate world up to this point. Along with that it was probably the most terrifying one as well... So terrifying in fact, that I spent most of the weekend wondering if I would even have a job come Monday morning.
However, Monday came and went, and I worked from home... hoping to avoid any initial ugliness that was to come my way. By Tuesday, I had determined that I would try to make the best of the situation, apologize for being so brash with him, and hopefully preserve the relationship between development and QA enough to make it through this project.
During the course of the discussion, he proceeded to tell me that the thing that affected him most about our conversation, wasn't so much the things that I said to him (although they did play a part)... but that I had initially refused to share with him my true feelings. That I would have walked out of that room without telling him what I truly thought.
It wasn't until then that I started to get a clear picture the situation, as well as the roles we both played in it.
At that moment... for possibly the first time since I had started working for this company, I saw this Manager as a human being... an actual person... flesh and blood, with the same fears, insecurities and vulnerabilities that we all feel on a daily basis but most often hide from each other as we go about our daily lives.
Since that day, that discussion keeps going through my mind over and over, and I can't help but wonder, if through all of our hiding... and the fronts we try to put on, if abiding by the law of political correctness and the things better left unsaid, we are actually hurting one another, and ourselves more then if we were to be completely up front and honest.
I can think of several instances recently where, because of some insecurity, or fear, I have kept quiet the things rolling through my head. Most often with those I care most about.
Granted, I have tried to be more open with the people around me... almost to a fault. In fact, some people think that I'm almost too open. As "Sex and the City" so gracefully put it, I tend to be emotionally slutty with the people I care most about.
I guess the question that keeps going through my head is...
Do people deep down really want to know the full truth? Or is the truth too often to much to take?
What about me? If I could know the full truth, would I really want to know... and could I handle it?
Oh well, I guess it is somewhat relative to whatever situation one is dealing with. Perhaps, as with most things in life, the right answer is completely dependent on the situation it's relating to.
I know that in matters of professionalism, there is such a thing as too much honesty... even though this experience has allowed me to relax a little on that... however, it does make me think about the other aspects of my life... particularly those that deal with the matters of the heart.
It's funny, he had initially asked to talk to me about the events to make sure I understood what had occurred and to make sure I was alright about everything...
As you can imagine, my initial reaction to the discussion was to carry on in a politically correct manner and just do the typical nod and smile and blow it off as if everything was great. Knowing full well that my every facial gesture, and the fact that I was visibly upset to the point of tears had completely betrayed my pathetic attempts.
The fact of the matter is... I'm not a big fan of this guy. I think he treats his team like shit, and I have very little respect for his management style. But there was no way in hell I was going to tell him what I really thought. Hell his own team members even knew better then to mess with the guy.
And yet, what eventually came of the conversation was more than either one of us expected and I eventually did just that.
The reality is... I was completely out of line... I knew it... He knew it... and yet, once I started, I could not stop until it was all out there on the table.
In all honesty, it was one of the more refreshing moments I have experienced in the corporate world up to this point. Along with that it was probably the most terrifying one as well... So terrifying in fact, that I spent most of the weekend wondering if I would even have a job come Monday morning.
However, Monday came and went, and I worked from home... hoping to avoid any initial ugliness that was to come my way. By Tuesday, I had determined that I would try to make the best of the situation, apologize for being so brash with him, and hopefully preserve the relationship between development and QA enough to make it through this project.
During the course of the discussion, he proceeded to tell me that the thing that affected him most about our conversation, wasn't so much the things that I said to him (although they did play a part)... but that I had initially refused to share with him my true feelings. That I would have walked out of that room without telling him what I truly thought.
It wasn't until then that I started to get a clear picture the situation, as well as the roles we both played in it.
At that moment... for possibly the first time since I had started working for this company, I saw this Manager as a human being... an actual person... flesh and blood, with the same fears, insecurities and vulnerabilities that we all feel on a daily basis but most often hide from each other as we go about our daily lives.
Since that day, that discussion keeps going through my mind over and over, and I can't help but wonder, if through all of our hiding... and the fronts we try to put on, if abiding by the law of political correctness and the things better left unsaid, we are actually hurting one another, and ourselves more then if we were to be completely up front and honest.
I can think of several instances recently where, because of some insecurity, or fear, I have kept quiet the things rolling through my head. Most often with those I care most about.
Granted, I have tried to be more open with the people around me... almost to a fault. In fact, some people think that I'm almost too open. As "Sex and the City" so gracefully put it, I tend to be emotionally slutty with the people I care most about.
I guess the question that keeps going through my head is...
Do people deep down really want to know the full truth? Or is the truth too often to much to take?
What about me? If I could know the full truth, would I really want to know... and could I handle it?
Oh well, I guess it is somewhat relative to whatever situation one is dealing with. Perhaps, as with most things in life, the right answer is completely dependent on the situation it's relating to.
I know that in matters of professionalism, there is such a thing as too much honesty... even though this experience has allowed me to relax a little on that... however, it does make me think about the other aspects of my life... particularly those that deal with the matters of the heart.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Celebrations Galore
Well after a long week, I ended up having a great weekend.Ran a 5k and, miracle of all miracles, placed third for my age class. Go figure. I even got a little medal! :)
On top of that, My Gal Pal Michele decided to throw a little get together at her place complete with a great group of people, the most amazing fondue spread I have ever had the pleasure of partaking of, and of course... MARTINIS! :)
Yes, it was a night of laughing... a little bit of crying... and well... I'll stop there...
After all, I could tell you the rest... but then I would have to kill you.
Mua ha ha ha ha! Thanks Michele!
Sunday, August 06, 2006
What Do I Want???
Yes, there it is... the one question to top them all. The one question that is posed so often in life, and yet to have an answer to it seems so out of reach most of the time.
I can't tell you how many times I have been asked that question in my life. From friends, lovers, enemies... and most often, myself. The bit of comedy surrounding this is that of those who have posed this question to me, most of them would tell you that my answer was always the ever so classic Gwen line "I Don't Know". (And yes, for those of you who know me, I know you are snickering as you read this.)
The other side to this is that in all those cases, my answer of "I Don't Know" was truly the most honest answer I had to give ... because in all reality I had absolutely no clue what I wanted.
Looking at where I am now, I realize that I still struggle with the answer to that question... and perhaps I always will. After all, even if I was to know precisely what I want at this very moment, isn't it possible that at some point in the future, whether it be a few minutes from now or years down the road, that the whole concept of "What I Want" will completely change?
So you are probably scratching your head at this point and wondering to yourself, "Dear Lord, What Does She Want?"
And my answer is this....
I want what every woman wants...
World Peace
And... Oh yeah... A man in my life with the looks of Brad Pitt, the understanding of what I really need, and the desire to make my every wish come true...
Uhhh hummm...
OK... Ok... I know it's a little far fetched...
I'm really ok with settling for the Brad Pitt part... (snicker)
So what is it really that I want?
What I can say is this...
I know that I long to be inspired... not just by some cheesy self help book or some sappy movie I watch... but to truly be inspired, by everything... and not just the big things, but by the little things... The smiles from my beautiful kids... the way the air changes when the seasons change... the sound the wind makes as it rustles through the leaves of my trees... absolutely all of it.
I do realize that the only thing keeping me from that is me. Because it's out there... staring me right in the face... shouting at me with everything it's got... but I have to be open to it. I have to be willing to see it... to hear it... and to feel it.
I know that I also long to be inspiring. To be the type of person that touches the lives around me in a way that it makes them long to experience life to the fullest. I think about so many people who have inspired me in my life...each one in their own way. Some of them I have known for years... others perhaps I know only from a meeting of eyes as we crossed in a crowded place, or as I watched them perform some small miracle that, most of the time, would be completely overlooked.
Perhaps it's not so complex as it seems... perhaps the answers to life really are as simple as just opening one's eyes to the beauty that surrounds each and every one of us every moment of the day.
I can't tell you how many times I have been asked that question in my life. From friends, lovers, enemies... and most often, myself. The bit of comedy surrounding this is that of those who have posed this question to me, most of them would tell you that my answer was always the ever so classic Gwen line "I Don't Know". (And yes, for those of you who know me, I know you are snickering as you read this.)
The other side to this is that in all those cases, my answer of "I Don't Know" was truly the most honest answer I had to give ... because in all reality I had absolutely no clue what I wanted.
Looking at where I am now, I realize that I still struggle with the answer to that question... and perhaps I always will. After all, even if I was to know precisely what I want at this very moment, isn't it possible that at some point in the future, whether it be a few minutes from now or years down the road, that the whole concept of "What I Want" will completely change?
So you are probably scratching your head at this point and wondering to yourself, "Dear Lord, What Does She Want?"
And my answer is this....
I want what every woman wants...
World Peace
And... Oh yeah... A man in my life with the looks of Brad Pitt, the understanding of what I really need, and the desire to make my every wish come true...
Uhhh hummm...
OK... Ok... I know it's a little far fetched...
I'm really ok with settling for the Brad Pitt part... (snicker)
So what is it really that I want?
What I can say is this...
I know that I long to be inspired... not just by some cheesy self help book or some sappy movie I watch... but to truly be inspired, by everything... and not just the big things, but by the little things... The smiles from my beautiful kids... the way the air changes when the seasons change... the sound the wind makes as it rustles through the leaves of my trees... absolutely all of it.
I do realize that the only thing keeping me from that is me. Because it's out there... staring me right in the face... shouting at me with everything it's got... but I have to be open to it. I have to be willing to see it... to hear it... and to feel it.
I know that I also long to be inspiring. To be the type of person that touches the lives around me in a way that it makes them long to experience life to the fullest. I think about so many people who have inspired me in my life...each one in their own way. Some of them I have known for years... others perhaps I know only from a meeting of eyes as we crossed in a crowded place, or as I watched them perform some small miracle that, most of the time, would be completely overlooked.
Perhaps it's not so complex as it seems... perhaps the answers to life really are as simple as just opening one's eyes to the beauty that surrounds each and every one of us every moment of the day.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
What To Do...
I could try to tell you what I'm feeling today
But it would only chase you away
... and by the time you realize and truly understand
It will be too late
But it would only chase you away
... and by the time you realize and truly understand
It will be too late
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Have I been putting this off????
Perhaps... hmmm... Maybe?... Probably...
Well, ok, so I came home early from work today because we had a massive rain storm and the power went out. Since my livelihood is completely reliant on the ability to work on a computer, it provided the perfect cover for my otherwise very unproductive day.
So here I sit... trying to figure out what to type. Has a lot happened in life? Yeah I guess you could say life has been busy as usual... and I'm sure I could write about a lot... unfortunately, I just haven't been much in the mood to write about it at all.
Maybe it's because I'm just too lazy to take the time to think about it, or perhaps it's a little more difficult to deal with my feelings if I end up having to read them in black and white... regardless as you can see there hasn't been much to read on this blog.
(Twiddling my Thumbs)
I'm 29 now... another year gone. It's hard to look back at this year and be glad with where I am at or be proud of how far I have come. I guess I just don't feel like I have gone anywhere... and in a sense, I am ok with that... well at least to a certain extent.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going in life... and that tends to be a cause of frustration to me. Nothings set in stone. There's not much security there right now... and it's not just relationship wise... although that does play a part. I guess the frustration is because here I am, my entire future ahead of me... for me to take hold of and do with whatever I wish, and all I can find the energy to do with it is to sit back and mope about where I'm at right now. I know I know... doesn't make much sense to me either.
I have a great man in my life... but he's not mine... probably never will be... Or I guess what hurts more than that isn't so much that he won't be mine... but that I'll never be his. Most days, it's really ok, and I love the moments that we do share. But every once in a while, it just hurts.
I missed being single for so long while I was married and here I am... completely single, and all I can do is mope about how I'm single. How pathetic is that? I keep telling myself that I'm a strong woman, and that I don't need any man in my life to make my life complete or make me happy. I convince myself of this on occasion, and for a time, it's ok... but other days... it's just lonely.
It's ok though... I am really trying to break that cycle... Trying to do the "Get the fuck over it" routine with myself and get thinking about something a little more positive in my life.
I'm hoping to get more involved in Abby and Joshie's school this year. So that will be good. I have also recently taken up running. Which is odd to me, since for the most part, running is not something I have enjoyed doing in the past. Lately though, it's provided the perfect opportunity to get outside... get exercising and take a few minutes out of my day to just be with myself... something that has been increasingly difficult for me to do up to now.
Anyways, other than that it's life as normal. Kind of boring I'm sure, but who ever said life was glamorous? ;)
Going out for a run...
CIAO!
Well, ok, so I came home early from work today because we had a massive rain storm and the power went out. Since my livelihood is completely reliant on the ability to work on a computer, it provided the perfect cover for my otherwise very unproductive day.
So here I sit... trying to figure out what to type. Has a lot happened in life? Yeah I guess you could say life has been busy as usual... and I'm sure I could write about a lot... unfortunately, I just haven't been much in the mood to write about it at all.
Maybe it's because I'm just too lazy to take the time to think about it, or perhaps it's a little more difficult to deal with my feelings if I end up having to read them in black and white... regardless as you can see there hasn't been much to read on this blog.
(Twiddling my Thumbs)
I'm 29 now... another year gone. It's hard to look back at this year and be glad with where I am at or be proud of how far I have come. I guess I just don't feel like I have gone anywhere... and in a sense, I am ok with that... well at least to a certain extent.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going in life... and that tends to be a cause of frustration to me. Nothings set in stone. There's not much security there right now... and it's not just relationship wise... although that does play a part. I guess the frustration is because here I am, my entire future ahead of me... for me to take hold of and do with whatever I wish, and all I can find the energy to do with it is to sit back and mope about where I'm at right now. I know I know... doesn't make much sense to me either.
I have a great man in my life... but he's not mine... probably never will be... Or I guess what hurts more than that isn't so much that he won't be mine... but that I'll never be his. Most days, it's really ok, and I love the moments that we do share. But every once in a while, it just hurts.
I missed being single for so long while I was married and here I am... completely single, and all I can do is mope about how I'm single. How pathetic is that? I keep telling myself that I'm a strong woman, and that I don't need any man in my life to make my life complete or make me happy. I convince myself of this on occasion, and for a time, it's ok... but other days... it's just lonely.
It's ok though... I am really trying to break that cycle... Trying to do the "Get the fuck over it" routine with myself and get thinking about something a little more positive in my life.
I'm hoping to get more involved in Abby and Joshie's school this year. So that will be good. I have also recently taken up running. Which is odd to me, since for the most part, running is not something I have enjoyed doing in the past. Lately though, it's provided the perfect opportunity to get outside... get exercising and take a few minutes out of my day to just be with myself... something that has been increasingly difficult for me to do up to now.
Anyways, other than that it's life as normal. Kind of boring I'm sure, but who ever said life was glamorous? ;)
Going out for a run...
CIAO!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
