It's funny, he had initially asked to talk to me about the events to make sure I understood what had occurred and to make sure I was alright about everything...
As you can imagine, my initial reaction to the discussion was to carry on in a politically correct manner and just do the typical nod and smile and blow it off as if everything was great. Knowing full well that my every facial gesture, and the fact that I was visibly upset to the point of tears had completely betrayed my pathetic attempts.
The fact of the matter is... I'm not a big fan of this guy. I think he treats his team like shit, and I have very little respect for his management style. But there was no way in hell I was going to tell him what I really thought. Hell his own team members even knew better then to mess with the guy.
And yet, what eventually came of the conversation was more than either one of us expected and I eventually did just that.
The reality is... I was completely out of line... I knew it... He knew it... and yet, once I started, I could not stop until it was all out there on the table.
In all honesty, it was one of the more refreshing moments I have experienced in the corporate world up to this point. Along with that it was probably the most terrifying one as well... So terrifying in fact, that I spent most of the weekend wondering if I would even have a job come Monday morning.
However, Monday came and went, and I worked from home... hoping to avoid any initial ugliness that was to come my way. By Tuesday, I had determined that I would try to make the best of the situation, apologize for being so brash with him, and hopefully preserve the relationship between development and QA enough to make it through this project.
During the course of the discussion, he proceeded to tell me that the thing that affected him most about our conversation, wasn't so much the things that I said to him (although they did play a part)... but that I had initially refused to share with him my true feelings. That I would have walked out of that room without telling him what I truly thought.
It wasn't until then that I started to get a clear picture the situation, as well as the roles we both played in it.
At that moment... for possibly the first time since I had started working for this company, I saw this Manager as a human being... an actual person... flesh and blood, with the same fears, insecurities and vulnerabilities that we all feel on a daily basis but most often hide from each other as we go about our daily lives.
Since that day, that discussion keeps going through my mind over and over, and I can't help but wonder, if through all of our hiding... and the fronts we try to put on, if abiding by the law of political correctness and the things better left unsaid, we are actually hurting one another, and ourselves more then if we were to be completely up front and honest.
I can think of several instances recently where, because of some insecurity, or fear, I have kept quiet the things rolling through my head. Most often with those I care most about.
Granted, I have tried to be more open with the people around me... almost to a fault. In fact, some people think that I'm almost too open. As "Sex and the City" so gracefully put it, I tend to be emotionally slutty with the people I care most about.
I guess the question that keeps going through my head is...
Do people deep down really want to know the full truth? Or is the truth too often to much to take?
What about me? If I could know the full truth, would I really want to know... and could I handle it?
Oh well, I guess it is somewhat relative to whatever situation one is dealing with. Perhaps, as with most things in life, the right answer is completely dependent on the situation it's relating to.
I know that in matters of professionalism, there is such a thing as too much honesty... even though this experience has allowed me to relax a little on that... however, it does make me think about the other aspects of my life... particularly those that deal with the matters of the heart.
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